When You Have Nothing Left To Live For
by fallwithakiss
Summary: Sometimes life beats you up, and when that happens, it feels like there's nothing for you to live for. Without Shane, Reed finds himself feeling more hopeless and worthless by the second. CP Coulter's Dalton!Verse. MAJOR TRIGGER WARNINGS.


**AN: Reed, I'm so, so sorry for writing this, baby. **

**Also, If you read my other suicidal!Rane fic, "I Miss You And I'm So Sorry", this fic is completely different. I wrote two completely different suicidal!Rane fics and this is the one where Reed commits suicide. (It's not written as well, either.**

***I own nothing***

**MAJOR TRIGGER WARNING: IF SUICIDE IS A TRIGGER FOR YOU, DO NOT READ!**

"_Reed Van Kamp! I am so disappointed in you! You are NOT moving to California with your little dancer boyfriend." _

Reed was on the phone with his mother, telling her his plans for after high school. As Reed had expected, Hilde didn't take the news well. She spat the words at Reed with an icy venom in her voice that intensified while talking about Shane.

"_You are moving to New York and majoring in fashion! I don't CARE what you want! I'm your mother, and you will do as I say. And I don't want you to see that boyfriend of yours anymore."_

"But, Mom. I lo-"

"_MY DECISION IS FINAL. I'm taking you out of Dalton."_

"No! Mom! Wa-"

The line went dead.

Reed sat on his bed, silent tears streaking down his face as he reality hit him. His mom was taking him out of Dalton and forcing him to live according to her standards. He didn't want to live like that, the thought of living without Shane sent the small boy into hysterics.

Shane walked into Reed's room to find him face down on his mattress, sobbing his heart out. It sent a pang through his chest, knowing what he was about to do.

"Reed," Shane said softly, placing a hand on the strawberry-blonde's back.

A sniffle came from Reed and he turned to face his boyfriend. He gave Shane a weepy smile.

"Hi, Shane. Sorry, I- my mom just… She told me that I have to go to New York to major in fashion instead of going to California with you… I don't want to."

Reed's eyes spilled a couple more tears before he shook his head and looked at the boy in front of him.

"I'm sorry for blubbering… come here…" The artist held out his arms and pulled Shane close, kissing him on the mouth, trying to get lost in Shane.

After a minute Reed noticed that Shane wasn't kissing him back, and he pulled back for a second to stare into Shane's empty eyes.

He _had_ been acting strange since he came to see Reed…

Ignoring his instinct, Reed pulled Shane closer, kissing him a little harder until Shane gently pushed him away.

"Shane," Reed said, panic seeping into his voice. "What's going on?"  
>The taller boy turned away, getting up off the bed and away from his boyfriend.<p>

"Shane, please. Why won't you look at me? Did I do something wrong? I'm sorry, Shane! We can fi-"  
>"Reed, I'm leaving." Shane said briskly.<p>

"You're… what?"  
>"Leaving. I'm moving back to California- on my own, and I'm not coming back."<p>

Reed stared at the love of his life, who was standing in front of him, telling him that he was leaving him.

"I'm sorry, Reed. But this is the way it has to be. I love you, I'll always love you. I just… you're not... good for me. I always have to protect you and worry about you… If I'm always doing that, how am I supposed to be a successful dancer?" Shane had turned back to face the crestfallen boy again, noting how hopeless the smaller boy looked. "I'm sorry…"

"I'm sorry that I'm not good enough for you, Shane… I really tried… I guess I knew it all along, but you just proved my biggest fear true. I always knew you would leave me…" Reed's voice was filled with hurt and defeat that ached Shane's heart.

"I'm sorry… Maybe we can be together again someday…"

"Shane, just go. I don't want you to see me cry anymore…"

Shane gave Reed one last kiss on the cheek and walked out of the room, leaving Reed behind. The artist put his hand to his cheek, trying to hold the last of Shane in his hand.

With one last touch, Reed dropped his hand and began to sob, his heart aching for Shane to come walking back through the door.

After a while, Reed's door slammed and he looked up hopefully, already imagining Shane standing there, his arms open wide, ready to hold Reed and never let him go again.

But, of course, it wasn't Shane walking through the door. It was Kurt. Reed's heart plummeted and he made a strangled noise in the back of his throat.

Kurt turned towards Reed, hearing the noise, and sighed. "What is it now?" His voice was laden with impatience

"It's just my mom… and Shane… he left me… and I have no reason for anything anymore…" came Reed's voice from the heap on the floor.

Kurt rolled his eyes at Reed and spoke harshly, "Reed, come on. Life does not revolve around you and Shane. Stop crying."

Reed felt like someone had slapped him. First his mother, then Shane, and now Kurt- his best friend- was calling him pathetic.

"I've just had the worst day of my life, and you're just going to stand there and yell at me?" The artist cowered on his side of the room, feeling completely defenseless.

The brunette sighed and pursed his lips. "The world is not centered around you and Shane! I am _sick_ of hearing nothing but whining from you! Reed, you need to fucking _grow up_ and stop crying over every fucking thing!"

Kurt's words made something in Reed snap. Hearing his best friend yell at him this way made his world crash around him. He wanted nothing more than to die.

"I'm sorry, Reed but-"

Reed spoke in a dull tone, void of emotion. "No, no. I get it, Kurt. I'm just worthless. I don't mean anything to anyone. I can see that now."

"Whatever," Kurt muttered as he left the room.

Kurt didn't mean to be so horrid to Kurt, he really didn't. But after having a huge fight with Blaine, he didn't really feel like putting up with Reed and just lashed out. He didn't know what kind of effect his words would have on the broken boy.

The faded scars on Reed's wrists ached painfully as he watched Kurt walk out of the dorm, slamming the door.

Once he knew Kurt was out of earshot, opened his massive wardrobe and began pulling clothes out, tossing them onto the floor as he went. He dug around, creating chaos in his wake until he found what he was looking for- a delicate box that Shane had given him for his birthday.

Reed set the box down gently on his bed and scrounged around for a piece of paper and a pen. He scrawled out a note quickly, knowing he wouldn't have much time to pull this off.

"_So, I'm not really sure what I'm supposed to say in this… I guess I should start off with why. Well, that's a good question actually. Up until today, I thought my life had been going great, but today I lost my will to live. _

_Is there someone in your life that you just love so much that you can't even fathom living without them? Well that was Shane for me. He literally saved me from myself. Before I met him, I used to cut myself and I… I had so many problems. But then I met Shane, and everything fell into place. I finally felt perfect and loved for once, something I had never felt before. I always had this nagging feeling that I wasn't good enough for him, and that feeling turned out to be true. _

_I didn't decide to kill myself because my boyfriend left me, no. It was because I felt so utterly worthless. No one would care if I live or died, so I'm taking the way out. I don't want to live a life of being some stupid child who isn't has absolutely no purpose. I want to die._

_But I also just want to say one thing… Shane, I love you. I love you more than anything. Don't blame yourself. Because of you I had an amazing last few years, and that's all I could've asked for. I'll always love you. I'll miss you. And when your time comes, I'll be waiting for you- only if you want me, of course. _

_Goodbye,_

_Reed Van Kamp" _

With a shaking hand, Reed pulled the scarves that Shane had given to him out of the box on his bed. He tied them all together, making a long rope. If he was going to die, he wanted to die with something that reminded him of Shane.

Reed folded up the note and pinned it to his shirt, so someone would be able to find it when he wasn't around to show them.

Everything was terrifying and Reed tried not to think about what he was doing. He thought only of the peace he would get once he was dead.

Once in the bathroom, Reed brought the scarf rope to his neck and tied it a noose-like fashion. He then grasped the rod where the shower curtain hung and tied the other end of the rope in a tight knot around it.

Reed took a deep breath, and whispered, "I love you, Shane. I'm sorry I wasn't good enough…" before he jumped of the bathtub ledge and hung himself to death.

About an hour later, while Shane was on his way back to Dalton to apologize to Reed and beg the artist to take him back, he got the phone call.

"_Shane…" _Blaine's voice was soft. "_Reed is dead."_

The phone clattered to the floor of the car and everything went black.

Shane awoke in a pristine white hospital room with a pounding headache.

"What… happened…?" He said slowly.

Blaine, who had been keeping an eye on him, wiped a tear from his eye as he answered his brother. "When you found out that Reed was dead… you got into a car accident. But you lived. And I couldn't be more grateful for that."

Shane's heart broke at Blaine's words. Reed was gone… He would never get to apologize for hurting him… He would never have Reed back… He could never hold him again…

And with that, Shane flung himself into his brother's arms and sobbed his heart out.

-3 months after Reed's death-

Shane sat at the foot of Reed's tombstone, setting the flowers on his grave.

"It's been 3 months since you died, Reed… And I miss you more than ever. Your memory haunts me every day and I want nothing more than to hold you in my arms. But I know I'll never get to do that again. I'm so sorry, Reed… I just miss you so much, and it's all my fault."  
>Shane lost his composure and broke down sobbing.<br>"I miss you, Reed. I miss you. Come back. I love you, come back to me. Reed, I can't live without you. "

Blaine showed up a short time later and sat beside his brother, holding him lightly while he sobbed. He held him for hours until Shane calmed down.

The two brothers stood up and looked down at Reed's tombstone. "_Reed Van Kamp. The most treasured life that was lost too soon." _Shane read the inscription in a whisper.

Blaine turned to his brother, "Ready to go?"  
>The dancer nodded and gestured for Blaine to go ahead. "Just give me a minute."<br>Shane knelt to the ground and placed both hands on the tombstone.

"I miss you, Reed. I don't think I'll ever stop missing you. I love you. I hope I'll see you again somehow… someday…" 


End file.
